MOTION TO DISCUSS: “Situationships are better than traditional relationships at uni”

FOR:

Anna Conway

“The rejection of the situationship
reinforces the policing of what is
deemed an acceptable relationship.”

University is the time for self-exploration, learning how to stand on your own two feet. That’s not to say all of this can’t happen in a traditional relationship, but I think it happens at a different rate, and in a different scope. Situationships occupy that liminal space. It exists without boundaries and without restrictions; that’s its very point of existence. To be open, non-conforming, non-restrictive. The whole point of a situationship is to not have a label and not to box yourself into commitment thinking ten years down the line, but to live in the moment and enjoy the company, emotional and physical, of the person you are with now, in the present. 

Situationships are shrouded in stigma. It’s the big ugly word of people too scared to commit. But I think we’ve got it all wrong. Situationships, being single, dating around: that’s not the problem here. There is nothing shameful or wrong about sexual liberty, self-liberty. The problem with situationships isn’t in their very nature, it’s more often than not a breakdown of communication, or one party going in with the expectation that a relationship is to follow. The problem isn’t the system of situationships but standards set by people involved. Traditional relationships aren’t inherently ‘safer’ for your emotions than situationships; it just depends on the person. You could be in a relationship with someone for months and be left feeling emotionally scarred in the same way as, if not worse than, a situationship. One is not necessarily a foolproof security net to emotional vulnerability.  

The freedom to choose and not automatically accept what everyone tells you you should want is integral to uni life — and situationships. You should question. You should stop and think: why? What is it about situationships that make you uncomfortable? Why shouldn’t they be a valued option for your love life journey?

There is nothing wrong with being in a traditional relationship at uni, but there’s also nothing wrong with being single or in situationships; one shouldn’t come with a layer of stigma and discomfort just because it doesn’t have a solidified ending. The rejection of the situationship reinforces the policing of what is deemed an acceptable relationship. What about romantic freedom is so damaging to your idea and safety of your traditional relationship? Leaving the echo chamber of your hometown and meeting people from different backgrounds, different experiences, that’s bound to change someone. And it should. The point is that there should be freedom for this growth. Freedom to change your mind, become someone new. Yes, you can still grow in a traditional relationship, but there are extra boundaries, limitations, making sure that you both grow and change at the same rate, or continue to grow into people that work together. Situationships give you the freedom to fully change and bend into whoever you want to become. That is the liberty of a situationship. That is why they are better than traditional relationships at uni. They give you freedom to explore yourself and others. 

The sexual shame, the policing of each other’s bodies and love life, that is what brings stigma to situationships. A traditional relationship is not inherently better. There is no one blanket rule. Everyone’s experience is different, and that’s the point. There is no definitive, clear answer for all, but rather a spectrum of choice that lets everyone find their own way, stumble, make mistakes, and learn and grow. Whether that’s alone, with multiple people, or just one person, that is completely up to you.

AGAINST:

Georgia French

“You do not have to choose between
independence and love. The right
partner does not consume your life.”

University is often sold as the last great era of chaos before adulthood. We are apparently supposed to be getting blackout drunk, making questionable romantic decisions and collecting situationships like loyalty points. Kissing folk whose names you don’t even know and spending the following week asking your friends whether replying to a man after four hours and seven minutes makes you “too available”. 

Personally, I cannot be arsed.

Let me be clear: I am a fiercely independent girlie. I don’t need a man. I have my own friends, ambitions, hobbies and plans. I was a whole person before my boyfriend arrived, and I would have continued to be one without him.

But, unfortunately for my feminist credentials, I really, really love the one I have.

We have shared friends, but also friends entirely our own. During exam season, we support each other. He comforts me when I am stressed over a tutorial or seminar and pushes me to achieve more. Occasionally, he also has to collect me from Hive after I have made objectively poor decisions.

There is something profoundly comforting about finding stability in one of the most unstable times of your life. 

You are moving flats, changing friendships, discovering what you want from your career and checking your bank account with the quiet terror of someone being hunted for sport. Why deliberately add another layer of emotional instability? 

If both people genuinely want something casual, fantastic. Go forth and be mysterious. I am not launching a moral crusade against sex. God forbid students occasionally enjoy themselves.

But too often, situationships involve one person desperately pretending they are not developing feelings while the other enjoys all the benefits of a relationship and the convenience of having somebody behave like your partner while you refuse to give them the security of actually being one, you are not “protecting your freedom”.

You are being selfish. Sometimes, “I just don’t know what I want” is not a profound statement about your journey of self-discovery.

Sometimes you are twenty-one, allergic to accountability and deeply in love with the sound of your own excuses.

And I am increasingly unconvinced that our generation’s inability to commit deserves to be romanticised.  

The real achievement is learning how to sustain intimacy when it stops being immediately exciting.

Relationships teach you how to communicate instead of disappearing when you are annoyed. How to compromise. How to remain kind after the butterflies have stopped performing aerial acrobatics in your stomach.

And perhaps that is what bothers me most about the proud commitment-phobes. If you spend your twenties treating everyone as temporary, what happens when somebody genuinely wonderful comes along?

Will you know how to love them?

You can get the degree, join societies, maintain friendships, exercise, spend time alone and have a serious relationship. You do not have to choose between independence and love. The right partner does not consume your life. They make you better at living it.

The right relationship should not be something that holds you down. It should be someone standing beside you while you become everything you were going to be anyway – and occasionally making you pasta when you are too stressed to remember how a hob works.

So have standards. Do not settle. Leave when something stops making you happy, respected or safe.

But stop pretending commitment is oppression.