The great Glasgow guide to halls

Well, you did it. The hard part is over now; the biggest decision of your life thus far has been made. You’re coming to the University of Glasgow, knowing you’re too much fun for Edinburgh and too middle-class for Dundee.

But the decision-making isn’t over yet. Not only did you have to choose where you’ll study, you now have to choose where you’ll live as well. But fear not dear Freshers, for we are here to take you by the hand and lead you through this momentous decision (something you probably had to confirm months ago, so if you’re reading this from the confines of your Queen Margaret halls, I can only apologise).

So without further ado, here is our (not at all) comprehensive guide to halls:

Queen Margaret Halls (QM)

QM is the wine and cheese night of your halls experience. Classy and mature in theory, but excruciatingly boring in practice. Thankfully, you’re not too far away from Murano so you can float over for parties and get a taste of what real freedom feels like before you’re beaten back into your garishly painted cage, doomed to discuss Jeremy Corbyn’s latest policy changes for all time. Godspeed freshers, godspeed.

Murano

Ah, Murano. Modelled on a women’s prison but almost certainly more fun than one, Murano is the mecca of student living, if your idea of mecca is drinking Tesco value vodka every night and forgetting what it feels like to have a living room. A word to the wise however; the walls in the bedrooms are extremely thin, as I’ve learned from many painful experiences (thank you first year flatmate, for giving me an insight into your sex life I never wanted).

Wolfson Halls

These halls are mainly for vets, who apparently are too busy learning about how many stomachs a cow has to learn how to make spaghetti bolognaise. That’s right boys and girls, these halls are catered! Expect three meals a day in return for literally living miles away from anything. Luckily, there’s a pet cemetery nearby, which I imagine is like a macabre Disneyland of sorts for you animal enthusiasts.

Private student accommodation

Not to be crass, but if you live in private halls you’re absolutely loaded and are probably too right wing to read this, so I’m not really sure why I’m bothering writing this. For those of you who are reading, having a one night stand with someone who lives in these halls should be on your bucket list – it’s akin to spending a night in a five star hotel except you wake up hungover with a stranger beside you.

Kelvinhaugh Gate

These halls are marketed as the postgraduate residency, and yet you will have at least one undergraduate friend who ends up here because they were too busy “having the best summer ever” to apply for halls. You will mock them appropriately and ask them to invite you to their first knitting marathon. Then you will see the large living rooms, ensuite bathrooms and comfortable sofas that come along with the senior citizen and you will eat your words – since it’s Kelvinhaugh you’ll even get a clean plate and matching cutlery to do it with.

Living at home

There are only two pieces of advice to be given for those of you who will live at home. 1) Don’t do it. 2) If you are convinced it’s the right thing to do (it’s not), make sure you have a friend who is staying in halls. There is no more tragic a sight than a fresher desperately trying to convince a Glasgow black taxi to take them back to Dumbarton for the tenner they have left in their purse. And for the love of all that is good and pure, DO NOT take your parents up on their offer to come in and pick you up from freshers’ events. It’s better for your relationship if they don’t see you like this, I promise.

Well there you have it folks, a tour of the wonderful halls our University has to offer. And if you’re apprehensive about where you’re living, or you hate your flatmates, or your room has a funny smell, don’t worry. You’re going to be drunk and making poor life choices for the majority of this year anyway, and it really doesn’t matter. So drink, be merry and if you want my advice, invest in some earplugs.