Laura Doherty

‘Nepotism.’ That, in short, is Jon Snow’s top tip for breaking into the media world. It’s briefly succeeded by hard work and perseverance, but they are but pawns in the game of bloodline dominance. This month’s frontrunner for Peaches Honeyblossom Angel Vanessa Bildungsroman Kerouac Drummey (Nee Geldof) who has somehow wheezed her way through GCSE English, lisped her way across the Atlantic, and, somewhere in-between getting hitched in Vegas and staying away from drugs, has decided she’s like totally into writing and stuff, y’know, like yeah?

Peaches has landed herself a gig writing columns for über stylish Nylon magazine, her position as ‘British Girl in Brooklyn’ correspondent has been met with scathing reviews by, well, everybody ‑ even I can’t help but feel sorry for her. Obviously, until recently, she has been the picture of demureness and humility; now thrust into the public sphere she crumbles under the weight of the societal pressure, and, in the confusion, can only produce a tangled ball of clichéd images. It is the literary equivalent of chewing up volumes of Dickens and ‘On the Road’ with pink bubblegum and proceeding to vomit the sugary nonsense all over your birth certificate, (famous father’s name an obvious advantage.)

Some might conclude she is simply a ‘bad’ writer, I’m not buying it. Bob’s put far too much of the ‘Rat’s royalties towards her top-notch education for that to be the end of it. After much study of Peaches’ character and a pained dissection of her writing I’m convinced she has followed her father’s selfless example and is offering herself up as a sacrifice to the British and American nations: she is going to unite the modern world in a hatred of Peaches Drummey Geldof.

Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand tried it, but found the suggestion of actual talent present in both career’s was a hinderance to the cause. They needed fresh blood, someone in the sidelines of public awareness who still had to justify the point of their existence. Luckily the Nations intervened before Peaches could offer her editors any tangible evidence that would justify her privileged position in the world. Peaches Geldof, a woman of contradictions, a figure to be both applauded and reviled in the very same breath: Peaches Honeyblossom Mandela Charlotte Angel Nobel Peace Prize Drummey Geldof – we salute you.


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