Seeing as it’s our first issue of the year lets forget the usual wild-speculation-on-the-nature-of-the-generations-musical-identity malarky and keep it light. You’ve probably been hearing some unfortunate people throwing words like beach house, chill-wave or post-hypnogogic pop about. I’m sick of these people having all the fun making up genre names, so here are five as of yet fictional genres I wish to see exploited immediately;
GRINDGAZE
The ferocity of Grindcore, the crushing apathy of Shoegaze. Sullen, crooning vocals about all the good stuff – sexual ambivalence, nihilism-lite, Bill Murray’s adventures in Japan, accompanied by brutal, down-tuned 20 second beatdowns.
NO-STEP
What the club scene really needs to do is to stop having so much fun and focus its energies on alienating absolutely everybody by banging out terribly produced, super discordant, un-danceable auto-tunes and having an elite of about twenty folk proclaim them the most important output in the history of the dance floor. Plus anybody who’s come into contact with no-wave will know that the pictures are roughly a thousand times better then the tunes, so no-step will spell a golden age for people arrogant enough to put pictures of their nights out up on Facebook and show you what a good time THEY’RE having, thus making everyone just a little unhappier! Result!
BATTLEFOLK
Not a genre as such and more of a suggestion on how to improve folk in all its incarnations – there aren’t nearly enough beefs in the folk / singer-songwriter community, and if there are they simply aren’t airing them explicitly enough.
RELATED; BAD-ANECDOTE-WAVE
Rubbish stories about what happened to you the other night when you were taking the trash out or whatever are the best. Lets see some heart-wrenching acoustic sweetness being dreamed up to convey some utterly frivolous tales.
TREE-IN-THE-WOODS-CORE
This is simple – any band, any set-up, any style, anything, so long as they never record and perform exclusively in empty venues. A notoriously tricky scene to negotiate without selling out, like every other band in the world ever did.
RIOT-GOAT
A bit like Riot Grrrl. But freakier.
