Culture Columnist


With support for Scottish independence at an all-time high, Ciara McAlinden gives her top tips for what our new government should do when we go it alone.

The topic of UK politics is a dreary one - there’s no doubt about that. It’s easy to become disconnected from the daily updates about which group of people the Tories have decided to fuck over, so it’s important to see the brighter side of things. I personally support the push for Scottish independence, so it’s pleasing to see that the overall national support for the cause has increased in the past few years; it’s a rare occurrence of political joy for me. In saying this, I’m becoming bored of the discussions surrounding currency, oil, the EU, and all that jazz – they may be important issues, but my God they’re dull. And so, I present to you a list of the more interesting and fantastical ideas of what Scotland could do if we were to go it alone.

Abolish the Fife accent. I’m sorry Fifers, but you need to take a long, hard listen to what you sound like. I suggest a (mandatory) Scottish Open University course for the population of Fife to learn how to talk in an accent that’s bearable; even the poncy Edinburgh accent would be acceptable, ae? 

Sell St. Andrews University to England. We know the economy would take a bit of a hit in the event of Scottish independence, so what better way to resolve our financial issues than to sell off a part of the country that’s basically English anyway? If it’s good enough for Kate Middleton, get it out of here.

Rename Nessie. It must be upsetting for Nessie to be named after the bit she lives in; it’s like hearing where I was born and just calling me “Bellshillie”, isn’t it? I propose that after the next referendum, we give Nessie an appropriate Scottish name – I suggest Aileen, Freya, or Gormlaith. While we’re at it, let’s get Nessie on the pound coin! We’ve already got one lizard on it, we may as well put a better one in her place.

Make tablet ice cream a standard dessert in all restaurants. I can’t explain the disappointment that strikes my heart when I look at a dessert menu and there is no mention of tablet. Is your restaurant even worth visiting if tablet isn’t on the menu? I don’t care if your apple crumble is to die for – Mrs Tilly deserves better, and so do we. 

Hire Limmy as our new Eurovision commentator. One of the most difficult things we’ll have to deal with when leaving the UK is perhaps the loss of Graham Norton as our Eurovision host. The only person that I think is a potential candidate for replacement is Mr Brian Limond.

Let unicorns come out of hiding. The unicorn is our national animal, and yet they are so hard to find. We can only come to the conclusion that the unicorn has hidden itself to avoid being hunted alongside foxes. They must not be hunted, but they also cannot be put on farms or in zoos; let them live freely, and without fear of a Tory wanker harassing them.

Some of these may sound a bit harsh, but educating Fifers, giving Nessie the respect she deserves, and feeding the population more tablet is simply necessary for the independence of Scotland to be feasible – if we cannot make these changes, then we are no better than England.


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