Who should replace Boris Johnson upon his resignation?

A curated list of people who would be a better leader than Boris Johnson.

We live in a really dire time in British history, there’s no denying that. However, we’re now experiencing a niche little pocket of unusual societal excitement with the anticipation of Boris Johnson’s resignation, triggered by the simple fact that he’s an arrogant and maliciously mindless shitebag. With this more-than-welcome resignation seeming increasingly possible, it’s time we think about who would replace big BoJo. So, without further ado and in no particular order, here’s a brief list of people whom I think would do a better job than the current bastard in charge.

Stormzy

I’d find it hard to trust someone in power who doesn’t have an undying aversion to the disheveled criminal that currently lives in No. 10, and it’s no secret that Stormzy hates this man. From vaguely calling him out in Vossi Bop, to actively stating that Johnson has had a hand in worsening racism in the country, Stormzy unabashedly and rightfully says “fuck you” to BoJo at any given opportunity.

Bimini Bon Boulash 

An icon for the people, and someone who has a clear understanding and empathy for the most vulnerable in our society, it should come as no surprise that Bimini is on this list. At the very least, their blonde locks are actually well-tamed and styled, unlike Bozo, and that head of luscious hair contains an actual functioning brain. Empathy, intelligence, and likeability are probably three of the most valuable assets of a leader, and this bitch has it all.

Alison Hammond

Look, if I had the power to choose who would be in charge, I’d definitely choose someone genuine – someone with an unfeigned likability that isn’t simply a veneer of malicious idiocy like our current leader. Alison Hammond, national treasure and easily the best part of This Morning, seems to consistently maintain a national adoration without having to “play stupid”, and it would be refreshing to have a leader we actually like.

Paddington Bear

“If you are kind and polite, the world will be right” is the well-known motto of Paddington Bear, and would be a welcome replacement for “lie through your teeth and hope for the best”. And we need not worry about the taxpayers’ money contributing to secret wine and cheese nights – the little guy mostly just eats marmalade sandwiches. 

Bob the Builder

Can he fix it? At this point I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.

A six-year-old with a hamster on his head

This suggestion has one simple driving force for possibility: resemblance. At some point, we must acknowledge that politicians are, even at their best, liars; a six-year-old could, however, lie better than Boris Johnson, while maintaining some sort of empathy for our most vulnerable. My thinking is this: we simply switch him out for this child with a rodent on his head, no one will notice anything has changed, and we move on with our lives accepting that Boris has just really changed his attitudes. Mind you, I’m not sure our money wouldn’t be spent on copious amounts of sweets when the kid gets left in No. 10 unsupervised. 

What I’m getting at with this list is simple: anyone could do a better job, so get him the fuck out. We could do a Weekend at Bernie’s type situation with the corpse of Margaret Thatcher and she’d do a better job than Boris, so fingers crossed he runs away crying soon.