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How to achieve the worst freshers week

By Evie Hylands

Want to have a bad time?

Craving spiked cortisol levels, terrible relationships, and momentous regret? If you dream of a tense, awkward, and all-round unenjoyable week of overpriced drinks, awkward pres, and absolutely disastrous first impressions, then do not heed the warnings of those who came before you. Instead, prepare to launch yourself into a world of both mental and physical turmoil. Look no further, here are all the ways you can make your freshers week as awful as possible.

Get involved with a flatmate

Not only is it a phenomenal way to spend your time and get your heart broken, it also improves the experience for your fellow flatmates who now have a new and exciting sense of tension in their lives. It brings an unwelcome and uncomfortable dynamic that will ensure awkward encounters in the kitchen or during pres. This will bond your flatmates as they now have something to talk about once you leave the room meaning they’ll be hesitant to befriend you. This will leave you lonely and crying to your school friends.  

Don’t bother sleeping

It’s overrated, and someone needs to be the irritable flatmate, it might as well be you. You will see a drastic change in your mental and physical health, as well as your patience levels. Something to guarantee your freshers experience will be dreadful. 

Always show up on time and in heels. 

Showing up on time to social events will ensure you are too sober to be in a dirty, empty club. Meanwhile, the heels will provide you with some throbbing pain that will distract from the terrible remixes being blasted at eardrum shattering decibels.

Pre-drinking? Forget about it.

The best approach to a club is to spend all your SAAS hiring a booth and getting diluted bottles of Grey Goose that a club such as Bamboo of Kokomo will be happy to provide. Or if that isn’t to your taste, you can always buy £5 shots the whole night. Trust me, it’s a very reasonable and effective way to burn through your university funds. 

Completely isolate yourself. 

Not talking to anyone or making friends is a surefire way to have a terrible time. On top of that, active hostility will definitely ensure you are disliked. Make sure to be as mean as possible. I’d maybe even recommend getting a bad reputation around your residence halls. This advice is not for the faint hearted, and only for if you want a truly terrible experience. 

Be a genuine nightmare.

My final and most pivotal piece of advice would be to steal your flatmates’ food. The more openly you do it, the better. Nothing shatters relationships and ensures that you will have a terrible freshers week than stealing someone’s leftover Paesano pizza. The palpable tension that will hang in the air for days following the incident will be enough to make you reconsider your application to university altogether. 


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